There should be merit badges for raising a toddler:
- Identify the Stain badge. Bonus badge for doing so without gagging.
- 5 Yard Dash to Prevent Serious Injury, Death, and/or Property Damage Exceeding $500 badge.
- Single Finger-Sweep Method Executed to Remove Half-Chewed Doggie Kibble From Toddler Mouth badge.
- Keep Shoes on Toddler Feet Longer Than 8 Seconds badge.
- Keep Diaper on Toddler Butt Longer Than 10 Minutes badge.
- Endure 67 Hour Loop of “Elmo’s World” badge. Bonus badge for doing so without the use of illicit substances.
- Correctly Guess “Why Are You Freaking Out??” in 25 or Fewer Guesses badge.
- Rescue the Family Dog From Being Used as Lego Smuggling Mule or Personal Transportation Device badge.
- Survive Cardiac Arrest badge.
The list could go on and on and on, but you get the idea. I want a freaking sash, dammit.